OSAMA BIN LADEN
ON AL JAZEERA
CONGRATULATES RED SOX

By Elizabeth Michelle Strumpet

DOHA, QATAR, October 29 – An obviously exultant Osama bin Laden made his first on-camera appearance in three years to express his joy over the Boston Red Sox World Series win. “If this event does not show the value of faith,” he said, “then I’m Michael Eisner.”

In a far-reaching 10 minute Al-Jazeera address aimed at American audiences, bin Laden lashed out at the Bush administration and the American public for supporting its enmity to Muslims. But he seemed to hold out an olive branch when he offered prayers and congratulations to Red Sox fans.

“I know,” he said, “that people like Mike Procopio in Revere and Dotty Flanagan in Malden have been waiting their whole lives for this. So I, and the entire Islamic terrorist community, must offer our congratulations for your faith and determination, and for your reward.”

Bin Laden showed a surprising grasp of baseball when he also paid homage to “a great, great team with a big heart. I mean who would have thought that the AL wild card winners could take it all the way. I can say truly that Al Qaeda has a lot to learn from Sox manager Terry Francona. You’re the greatest. But with a pitching staff that includes Derek Lowe, Curt Schilling and my man Pedro, well, that makes it easier, doesn’t it?”

Then the world’s most famous terrorist concluded, “My turban’s off to the long-suffering Red Sox fans. We downtrodden know what it feels like. Enjoy your victory while you can because, after all, we still have to kill you.”