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PLUTOCRATS AND YOKELS HELP RE-ELECT BUSH |
The Money Of The Rich (Left)And The Votes of The Yokels (Right) Equal A Winning Combination By Bea Bopp WASHINGTON, November 5 – Everyone knew that plutocrats – the obscenely rich and powerful with a contempt for the poor – would go in overwhelming numbers for the Bush-Cheney ticket. But it was Bush’s tactical genius, Karl Rove, who located a heretofore untapped constituency – yokels – who voted by an overwhelming 98 percent for the President. According to Rove, the key to finding yokels was an elaborate computer program that correlated the Spike Channel, Psychic Friends and tank-top ownership. “We tested it,” said Rove, “and bingo, we found that there were over 28 million of them, and as far as we could tell, not one of them had ever voted before.” According to University of Nebraska at North Platte yokelologist J. Sandhill Crane, “Most states are crawling with yokels, but city people don’t notice them unless they get sideswiped by one at an interstate rest stop.” Getting yokels to vote, said Rove, wasn’t too hard. “Our people went door-to-door,” he said, “and offered a carton of Marlboros and a free oil change – up to eight quarts for trucks. That did it.” The Pox put together a post-election focus group of Bush-supporting yokels, but only one of them showed up, despite the promise of a $10 Family Dollar coupon. The yokel, Cletis (he wouldn’t, or couldn’t, give his last name), said that he probably agreed with Bush, “but I’m not sure I remember which one he is. If he’s the one with the guns, I’m glad I voted for him…at least I think I voted for him.” Democrats are both disappointed and furious. “We spent hundreds of millions on TV advertising,” said DNC Chair Terry McAuliffe, “and we find out that yokels never saw one of them…not that it would have made any difference. But you wait till next time: we’ll get yokels of our own. When they hear our guy on multi-lateral versus bi-lateral treaties, they’ll be ours.”
 LIBERALS REJOICE – |
4 YEARS IN CITY WHERE 90 PERCENT DESPISE HIM  WASHINGTON, November 3 – The Bush campaign spent nearly half a billion dollars to return him to the city where nearly everyone hates his guts. In fact, no other major city in the country voted 90 percent for Kerry, including Boston and San Francisco. Even Manhattan only turned in 82 percent. Asked why he wants to live in a seething hotbed of hatred, Bush told The Pox, “I don’t pay attention to that kind of thing. Besides, how many residents do I see flying by helicopter to and from Andrews Air Force Base or to Camp David? I don’t think I even know a DC resident – unless Dick Cheney counts. Everyone else lives in Virginia” "I find this kind of ironic,” said DC resident Borgward Mulch, “I mean I wouldn’t spend that kind of money to live in Teheran.”
ON BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY SHELF  WACO, November 13 – The George W. Bush Presidential Library planned to break ground today here, near the Crawford, Texas ranch that Bush calls his home. But the ceremony was cancelled after Bush called the commission and told them that he really didn’t need a whole library. “He told us,” said commission chair Eleanor “Snippy” Barsifly, “that he could make do with a shelf at his daddy’s library in Houston.” Nevertheless, commission members put on a brave face and vowed to “make this shelf the best best shelf in the whole state of Texas.” A number of members privately told The Pox they were hoping in Bush’s second term that he would add a few books to the video collection he planned donate. “He said he was reading the Left Behind series,” said one, “but that he wasn’t sure when he’d be finished with it. He gave me his word he’d donate if and when he got through.”
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© The Washington Pox 2003 |
