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“THE TYRANNY OF SOCIAL SECURITY” |
“We Pray To God That Bush Releases Us FromOur Dependence On That Awful Monthly Check,” Said This Elderly Tennessee Couple By Roswell Stent WASHINGTON, December 16 – At a meeting here of the National Association of Supine Economists, President George W. Bush pledged to help the American people “end Social Security as we know it.” The President told the group that he would devote the next four years to “diverting the yoke of public pensions and survivors benefits from the necks of its victims to those better able to handle its terrible burden – the financial services industry.” Hundreds of Wall Street managers in attendance rushed the platform to kiss his feet and volunteer to help the President with his solemn task. Later, Bush emerged from a closed-door session with some of his biggest campaign contributors to explain to reporters that there was no time to lose. “Some people,” he said, “have worn the millstone of Social Security for years, even decades, without adequate relief. In some families, this has been going on for two or three generations. We can’t afford to wait any longer to end this form of modern-day peonage.” Most economists, at least those with hefty speaking fees and lucrative business consulting work, agree with the President. “Our studies,” said W. Rosemont Underhay of the Bob Jones University Department for the Worship of Capitalism, “indicate that most people who receive Social Security payments become dependent, and many severely addicted, to the continuation of those checks. Many would become anxious and disoriented without their monthly “fix” of money. There has to be a better way to use all those federal dollars, a way which doesn’t enslave the older population.” Bush said that the first step, “after putting all those old folks through financial rehab,” would be to shunt the money into “high-risk, low-yield, high brokerage fee accounts that keep the nation on its feet.” Older people would then find it “within themselves, you know in their spirit, to provide what the government used to give them.”
 CABINET NOMINEE |
BEARS NO RELATION TO CONSUMER RESOURCES  A study released today by the Profligate Foundation revealed that consumer confidence has no basis in reality whatsoever. “People pretend they have money,” said study author Marcantonio Castanova, “and buy things. That gives them confidence. It has nothing to do with whether they have money or can take care of themselves or even whether they want what they’re buying.” The only thing that keeps most people out of complete privation, said Castanova, “is that they return about 80 percent of what they buy. They’re only out a small restocking fee and the goods move on to the next person – who also has no money. It’s a fascinating system.”
MORE CHURCH LESS TV SEX AND VIOLENCE  Pope John Paul II issued a fervent plea today from the Vatican. “I urge Christians around the world,” he said from his balcony, “to cease watching shows such as Desperate Housewives and Who’s Your Daddy? and go to church instead – preferably a Catholic church.” But, he said, for those who can’t tear themselves away from the television, “try CSI Miami. It’s got all sorts of neat science stuff, great locations and David Caruso is one heck of an actor, don’t you agree?”
MEANS NO MORE WHITE CHRISTMAS BUSH ADMITS  Although he claims that “the science just isn’t there,” President Bush concedes that a white Christmas “is probably a thing of the past, except for the higher elevations in Antarctica.” But the President says that should be OK. “Look,” he said, “people in Australia have Christmas in summer, and they’re happy, so I don’t see what the problem is.”
© The Washington Pox 2003 |
