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BUSH DECLARES WAR ON “THEORY AND PRACTICE OF PLATE TECTONICS” |
The President Struggled To Make Sense OfWhat He Called “This Abhorrent Ideology” By Madison Van Buren WASHINGTON, December 29 – Appalled at the destruction unleashed by the recent earthquake and tsunami in South Asia, President George W. Bush called for a complete cessation of the “theory and practice of so-called plate tectonics.” The President told White House reporters that he had tolerated the teaching of plate tectonics throughout the United States because, “it was just a theory, like evolution and gravity.” But he has decided to seek a complete ban on it, “because in the wrong hands, as we have seen this past week, it has the power to disrupt international commerce.” Bush said that he sees no evidence that, as its proponents claim, the earth’s surface is covered by crustal plates. “If there are any,” he asked, “where are they? Do you see plates? I don’t.” Moreover, he said he considered such terms as “convection” and “subduction” to be just “big words that don’t mean anything.” The President called for a return to what he called “faith-based geology,” one which ascribed earthquakes to “the anger of God.” He said that leaving theories such as plate tectonics in the hands of secular college teachers, “most of them adjuncts,” taught students an “amoral view of the earth.” “When I went to Yale,” he concluded, “there were no mid-oceanic ridges, or geomagnetic anomalies. We had no need for an asthenosphere or magma. We were taught values, dammit, not science, and I intend to restore that kind of teaching.”
 BANKRUPT US AIRWAYS |
PROZAC CAUSES “SOME ADVERSE REACTIONS”  Drug giant Eli Lilly and Company issued a statement from its Indianapolis headquarters admitting that they had indeed covered up tests showing that its top-selling anti-depressant Prozac can cause undesirable side-effects. “While millions have obtained relief from depression,” said Lilly, “Prozac users have occasionally suffered from minor reactions such as suicide, coronary occlusion, tennis elbow, speaking in tongues, homelessness and chronic electrocution (pictured above). We regret the inconvenience this may have caused and stand ready to refund up to 15 percent of the purchase price with the proper documentation.”
TO FEATURE FEASTING AND HUMAN SACRIFICE  Critics have complained that with the Iraq War and the recent tsunami disaster, this is no time to stage a lavish inauguration party. But Bush administration officials counter that “the people have spoken for Bush and they deserve all the spectacle we can give them.” According to Inaugural Committee chairwoman Jeanne Phillips, “This year’s theme will be ‘Celebrating Freedom, Honoring Service.’ There will be nine balls, a parade of military might, Iraqi prisoners strung up on chariot wheels and a genuine Aztec human sacrifice ceremony featuring hundreds of members of MoveOn.org.” She added that all of it would be paid for by the private sector.
NAME OF NEW DC BASEBALL TEAM TO REAGAN NATIONALS  The Republican Congressional leadership decided last week to change the name of Washington’s new baseball team, the Nationals, to the Reagan-Nationals. “This was a no-brainer,” said House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL), “since we had already changed National Airport to Reagan National. Besides, wasn’t Ronald Reagan one of the great hitting shortstops in the history of the American League?” When it was pointed out to Hastert that Reagan had played college football, not baseball, Hastert replied that, “we better change the name of the Redskins, too.”
© The Washington Pox 2003 |
