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HEADLINES FOLLOWING TSUNAMI “We’ve Blown Up Everybody We Can Think Of, |
Anti Low Coverage DemonstrationIn The Triangle of Death By Cheri Mescalino TRIANGLE OF DEATH, IRAQ, January 1 – The growing and powerful Iraqi insurgency suffered a serious setback last week when the Asian tsunami forced their murderous exploits from the front pages of the world’s newspapers. The result has been a wave of depression and outrage among the heavily-armed men one sees throughout this Sunni region south of Baghdad. “I don’t know,” said fighter Youssef Al-Najjar, “I’ve devoted the best months of my life to this fight, shooting, detonating and burning and what do I get? A week of tepid reports hidden on page 14 of the New York Times or stuck on some international news section of the Telegraph. Why go on?” “Many of our best terrorists are on anti-depressants,” said insurgent leader Mahmood Al-Jawahri. “And who can blame them? They kill and kill, and with just one wave, they are swept from the best news positions. A natural disaster, for God’s sake. Nobody had to work for that, it just came to them. And now all the world wants to see is wet Indonesians wandering around in a daze.” Al-Jawahri said that it has become harder to recruit suicide bombers. “I mean, who wants to blow yourself to paradise just so it might, and I stress might, make a line or two in a Reuter’s dispatch or, God forbid, just an aside on the BBC. It’s terrible. If I had the money, I’d hire Howard Rubenstein.”
 STUNG BY WAR CRITICISM |
TSU-NOT-ME® HOME SEISMOGRAPH TO WAVE VICTIMS AT ALMOST-BELOW-MARKET  CHICAGO, January 1 – Inventor and perennial TV pitchman Ron Popeil unveiled today a device that he said would “make tsunami deaths a thing of the past.” His home seismograph, which his Ronco company calls the TSU-NOT-ME®, will soon be on sale throughout the Indian Ocean region. As Popeil describes it, “With the TSU-NOT-ME®, shore-dwelling families from Sumatra to Somalia can live safe and carefree lives, without the burden of constantly watching for temblors or killer waves. Simply plug in the TSU-NOT-ME® and listen for the tell-tale melody notes from Carole King’s ‘I Feel The Earth Move’©. That’s a warning that a tsumani may be on the way. Then, head for higher ground.” Popeil said that victims of the current tsunami disaster would get a $10 discount, “bringing the total price to only $89.95, or two easy $50 payments. This is nearly below our market price.” Moreover, he said that anyone buying two or more would get “a combination salad spinner and snakebite kit worth over $8.95 retail.”
GIVE EVERYTHING TO TSUNAMI VICTIMS  BERLIN, January 9 – Touched by the tsunami disaster that claimed the lives of so many Asians and European vacationers, many Germans made the ultimate sacrifice. “We gave all we owned,” said Potsdam accountant Prinzel Würstfarber, “so that today we are without clothes, money or even a home. We sleep in the Tiergarten Park under newspapers, but we are happy to have done the right thing.” Fortunately, this has been a relatively mild winter here in north Germany, for throughout Berlin and its suburbs, one constantly sees naked, homeless, but obviously middle-class Germans wandering about aimlessly. “I don’t know what else to do,” said former schoolteacher Pumuckl Halbkroner, “I tried to go to work, but they said it was inappropriate to teach high school naked. Germans are so prudish about their bodies.” German Interior Minister Stuffi Kleinzicken said that the government planned to round up the “neo-nudischers” as they’re called and send them to someplace warmer, “Sri Lanka, maybe.”
© The Washington Pox 2005 |
