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ACCENT HELP BUSH DELIVER COMIC ETAT-DE-L’UNION |
“Ah Wan Your Zocial Zecurité,” BushRepeated As Hastert Played Concertina By Plessy V. Ferguson WASHINGTON, February 1 – Apparently bored with all the dry rhetoric his speechwriters served up, President George W. Bush surprised the nation, and his staff, with a comic State of the Union address delivered in a droll French accent. With Vice President Dick Cheney and House Speaker Dennis Hastert warned to keep a straight face, Bush had all the comic lines to himself. Clearly relishing the irony, Bush opened with an Edith Piaf number, Je Ne Regrette Rien, with Hastert on concertina. Then Bush began his speech with a passage from Montesquieu on social liberties, but then he did a double take, crumpled up the paper and said, “Allow me, monsieurs et madames, to spik strat from la coeur…the heart, you know. Ah geev it to you straight: Ah wan your zocial zecurite. Ah wan it real bad. Ah theenk we get real riche togezzer, you know.” For a while Bush moved onto international themes, and first he attacked terrorism. “I wan you to know that I rilly, rilly hate dees tairroreests, especially zat Been Laden,” said Bush “Ah weel keel heem reel soon, you know.” But then he went on to reach out to the international community. “Ah love thees Yuropeans, you know. Especially ze Franch ones. Ah hope we can be frenz from now on.” Bush went on to repeat his views on Social Security and finished with a rousing chorus of La Marseillaise.
 
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SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW THRILLS FCC  Told to clean up their act, the producers of last night’s Super Bowl Halftime Show put on an uncontaminated, uplifting and chaste spectacle. The 18 minute romp featured modestly muscled and well-covered men and women acting out the triple themes of “Security, Productivity and Patriotism.” According to executive producer Todd Blemby, “We took the choreography straight from a Soviet production and added subtle Christian elements. Personally, I think it was magnificent, especially the part where the women decorated as NASCAR vehicles marched around the burning pyre of South Park videos. I don’t know about anyone else, but the FCC adored it.”
ALBERTO GONZALES  Both the Senate Judiciary Committee and the Full Senate confirmed Alberto Gonzales as the new Attorney General. Unfortunately, the Committee had used the Justice Department database which had entered the name of another Alberto Gonzalez, one who, unfortunately, is a fugitive from justice. Former White House Counsel Alberto Gonzalez said he would appeal the appointment of Tucson gang member Gonzalez, but said he was nevertheless pleased that “someone with the name Alberto Gonzalez is now Attorney General.” The Gonzalez who was confirmed could not be reached for comment although associates thought he might now be in Honduras.
REALLY, REALLY MEAN  When President George W. Bush appointed Margaret Spellings (above) as the new Secretary of Education, he didn’t know of her record as “the meanest teacher at Hastings High School.” Spellings had been a history and social studies teacher at Hastings in Council Bluffs, Iowa for six years where she had been voted “meanest,” “most unfriendly,” and “least likely to have sex” each year she worked there. When former students were notified of her appointment, they uniformly said that it could not have been because of her personality. “She must have something on Bush,” said Tricia Eggert, now a senior at Iowa State in Ames, “because nobody in their right mind would appoint Mis Spellings to anything but prison guard. God, she was mean.”
© The Washington Pox 2005 |