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ONCE RAN SUPER-SECRET INTELLIGENCE SERVICE |
Negroponte (Center) Here With Agents86 And 99 Was Once ‘The Chief” At Super-Secret CONTROL Agency By Helena Handbaskett WASHINGTON, February 17 – President Bush today named John Negroponte as the nation’s first Director of National Intelligence. Although Negroponte is best-known as Ambassador to Iraq and previously as Ambassador to the United Nations, he is a longtime diplomat with a history of work in the nation’s secret intelligence agencies. Most observers think he is uniquely suited to head a semi-fictional agency with no known mandate and no budget. According to a liberal think tank, the Center for the Study of Dirty Secrets, Negroponte was once a station chief in Southeast Asia for the top-secret agency known as CONTROL. There he specialized in overthrowing governments. “Sure,” said Center Director Peter Kornbread, “Wherever a government was overthrown, Negroponte’s handprint was all over it. Like in East Femur, Sputtlin Islands and South Aphasia, to name just three. We have the documents.” In the late 1960s, Negroponte was transferred to Hollywood, where he marshaled a crew of agents such as 86 and 99 to do battle with the forces of CHAOS, another agency funded by a secret group of TV producers with German accents. Under Negroponte, CONTROL always won. From there, Negroponte moved on to Central America where he committed human rights abuses and, according to some sources, “grave robbing and chicken-snatching as well as bait-and-switch sales techniques.” He was the Reagan administration’s conduits to the Nicaragua Contras, later to the Maraciabo Culebras, the Tegucigalpa Lagartos and the Miami Gusanos. He was regarded as “a mediocre baseball scout, but a great torturer.” In short, Negroponte is, in the words of one analyst, “probably a real human being, but we aren’t yet sure. In any case, it really doesn’t matter what he does, if he exists at all, because his post is about as important as Tom Ridge’s. That is to say, not at all.” Another insider said, “Negroponte should have stayed at CONTROL, even just in syndication.”
 NORTH KOREA MARKETS “LOW-END” NUCLEAR WEAPONS THRU WAL-MART By Schwann Kegley PYONGYANG, February 14 – In a press conference today, the reclusive North Korean state announced that they had concluded a deal with Wal-Mart to market “low-end” nuclear devices throughout the United States under the brand name Alldai, and selling “in the $400 to $800 range.” Speaking through and interpreter, Korean chief of state Kim Jong-il told the press, “We’re delighted to have opened this line of product through our new friends in Bentonville, Arkansas. We’re hoping that this marks the beginning of a steady and healthy relationship.” Wal-Mart CEO Lee Scott was in town to cement the deal, and he reassured American reporters. “I know some of you think this is a risky move,” he said, “but our research shows that a lot of Americans are looking for a starter nuke, one they can use strictly for home defense. We think we have the quality and price that most families want. We’ll leave the high end to Northrop-Grumman and boys like that.” The deal was concluded in time to see the shelves stocked for the 2005 President’s Day sales, and according to early reports, the nukes were “flying off the shelves.” |
FAILS TO SAVE PRO HOCKEY SEASON  By Pox Romana Correspondent ROME – February 20 – Despite a last-ditch effort by ailing Pope John-Paul II, this year’s National Hockey League season went into the dumpster. The season was called off by NHL officials after the player’s union and owners failed to reach an agreement that would have saved the season. The Pope, an avid Boston Bruins fan, had been called upon by representatives of both union and management to help them achieve an agreement. Said Players Association Executive Director Bob Goodenow, “A lot of our guys, especially the French Canadians, are Catholics, and they said that they’d go with whatever the Pope says.” Hockey Commissioner Gary Bettman said that he had run out of proposals, so he, too, would go along with a Papal Edict. Calling on the precedent set forth in Summis desiderantes affectibus, the Pope convened a tribunal to weigh the claims of both sides and to offer a judgment. But after two weeks, the Papal Chancery announced that committee was at a deadlock and cancelled all further negotiations. “Well,” the Pope told the press, “I guess I’m not so infallible after all.”
 Now that the gridirons have been put away and the vernal winds are breaking, it's time for your hardball scribe to eyeball the denizens of the diamonds and throw up his prognostications. I’m going out on a limb here, sportsguys and gals, but it’s gonna be a crazy season. For instance: • Enough bad grooming on the field. Big guy George Steinbrenner, in a stunning maneuver, will hire the Queer Eye guys for a total Yankee makeover. So Grapefruit and Cactus Leaguers, get out of the air conditioning and let's play ball!
© The Washington Pox 2005 |