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JOURNALIST A ROUSING SENDOFF |
Exuberant GIs Wanted To ShowerGiuliana Sgrena’s Car With Fireworks Like These, But They Used What They Had Instead By Carotid R. Terry BAGHDAD, March 4 – Italian journalist Giuliana Sgrena had been held in captivity by Iraqi insurgents for almost a month, but just two days ago she was freed by resourceful Italian security agents. So, it was no surprise that when American troops saw Sgrena’s car heading for the airport, they wanted to share her joy. According to Staff Sergeant Linkhorn C. Dunse, “We wanted to send her off in style, but we didn’t have any fireworks, so we did what the Iraqis do and used our weapons.” Ordinarily, says knowledgeable observers, celebrating Iraqis fire their weapons into the air. But according to Sgrena, the Americans aimed their guns directly at her car. The result, she noted, was that her companion, Security Agent Nicola Calipari, was shot dead and she was wounded. “I understand their happiness,” she said, speaking of the soldiers, “but I really wish they had aimed a bit higher.” American authorities were initially alarmed that Sgrena had been shot, but when they realized that she had worked for the Communist paper, Il Manifesto, they were relieved. “I thought we had killed them all during the Cold War,” said White House spokesman Carl Plummet, “but I guess a few got away.”
NATIONAL ABORTION |
“REAL SCIENTIST” TO HEAD EPA 
On March 4, President Bush picked acting Environmental Protection Agency head Stephen Johnson (pictured above) to permanently run the vast agency. Bush said that Johnson is, “the first professional scientist to lead the EPA.” Johnson has a distinguished record. He received his bachelor degree from Fulsome Lutheran College and Restaurant in Grafted, North Dakota. He served as a Navy Walrus before returning to academia, later earning a masters in lagoon wastes at Cramley Tech in Dribbin, North Carolina. Prior to becoming a federal regulator, he was a professional gasser at Litton Biocides in Hoochacha, Louisiana and Director of Sludge at Paulie Barbelunga's Toxic Distributors in Hudson Bottoms, New Jersey. Bush promised that Johnson would be “independent, fair and objective…cross my heart.”
OF FEDERAL WORKFORCE BY FIFTY PERCENT 
WASHINGTON – President George W. Bush today proposed cutting the height of the federal workforce by 50 percent. “For too long,” he told a White House gathering, “the American people have been forced to pay for full-sized workers while plenty of half-sized workers go unused. I intend to change that.” Bush pointed to a chart of half-sized workers who he characterized as “trainable, pliable and unorganized.” When one observer pointed out that they appeared to be about four feet tall, or actually two-thirds the size of present workers, Bush retorted, “Yeah, but they only weigh half as much.” Although Bush conceded that full-sized workers are an advantage in jobs such as construction, firefighting and invading other countries, he said he would begin immediately “filling all office and service positions with half-sized workers. At half-sized salaries and benefits, of course.”
© The Washington Pox 2005 |
