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ADMIT TO CHRONIC USE OF PERFORMANCE REDUCING DRUGS |
 These Shamefaced Senators Are Just A Few Of Those Who Take Performance Reducers By Miles Furlong, Jr. WASHINGTON, March 18 – A Joint House-Senate Ethics Committee today concluded that “hundreds” of members of Congress “regularly” use a wide range of performance reducing drugs. “We must reluctantly report,” said Committee Chair Senator Armando D. Pederastini (R-NH), “that many of our colleagues feel they cannot get through the day without drugs such as barbiturates, tranquilizers and narcotics. These are known by their street names such as Stumblers, Cheaters, Spinners and Bunglers, and frequently cost hundreds of dollars. In order to support their habits, members have been known to ask for money from trade associations, pharmaceutical corporations and even each other.” The Committee reported that members offered several reasons for their drug use, such as, “I need them to sleep through the day,” “talking to constituents makes me physically ill,” and most commonly, “without these drugs, I’d have to face the depravity of what I do for a living.” The net result, said the Committee, is a Congress that usually takes the easy way out, giving in to their drug suppliers and corporate donors on bill after bill. “If we don’t stop this epidemic,” they concluded, “before long, we could wind up with a national legislature in thrall to moneyed interests.” Most Washington residents were not surprised by the revelations. “After all,” said Capitol Hill resident and dog walker Schuyler Wickle-Czolgosz, “this is a body that recently tried to subpoena a comtose woman.”
 
TOM DELAY DETERMINED |
ARCTIC WILDLIFE REFUGE AS EXXCONICO SNOWMOBILE, HUNTING AND DRILLING PARK 
FAIRBANKS, ALASKA, March 18 – The United States Senate, in a narrow victory for Republican oil drillers, voted today to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to “anyone and everyone with noisy machinery.” Specifically, the bill sponsored by Senator Bobbie Sue Texaco (R-OK) mandates “oil drilling, strip mining and gravel pitting as far as the eye can see.” Furthermore, it establishes a permanent unit of armed and motived hunters to “rid the area of horned beasts who keep defecating on public lands.” And, in a victory for the Loud Engine Manufacturers, the Senate also insisted that the area now accommodate “up to a billion or more” snowmobiles every winter, as long as global warming permits snow to accumulate. In a final change, the area will now be known as ExxConico Snowmobile, Hunting And Drilling Park.
TO WITHDRAW ITS TROOP FROM IRAQ  Known As "The Coalition Of The Willi"
VADUZ, LICHTENSTEIN, March 17 -- The Principality of Lichtenstein decided today to withdraw its troop from Iraq. "In light of the decisions of The Netherlands, Ukraine and others," said government spokeswoman Lisl Knodel-Putz, "we think it's time to bring our troop home. Since we have no barracks there, we've been keeping him at the Ramadan Inn, and it's putting a severe strain on our budget. Plus, we have no more bullets to send him." Lichtenstein's lone troop, Private Wilhelm Bratvogel, is something of a running gag in this tiny nation, where radio announcers refer to him as, "The Coalition Of The Willi." Reached on the phone in Baghdad, Bratvogel told The Pox, "I'm tired of being the butt of jokes. Besides, all I do is take a few shots out my hotel window every once in a while. It's boring as hell. And hot." Lichtenstein's President, Meinhard Hämmster, said he'd received a pleading phone call from U.S. President George W. Bush, asking that he reconsider. "I think not," he said. "Private Bratvogel has served with honor, we think since, oh, a few months ago. Anyway, he plays goalie on the Vaduz team and they can't do without him"
“SUPER READY” TO TAKE OVER SECURITY 
BAGHDAD, March 16 – According to acting U.S. Ambassador to Iraq, Charge d'Affaires James F. Jeffrey, the new Iraqi security forces are “absolutely top-notch, really, really ripper good, I mean they’re wizard great.” Jeffrey, who took over when Ambassador John Negroponte fled the country on March 16, gave his assessment from the third sub-basement of the fortified Embassy building in a secret location somewhere in Baghdad, or maybe elsewhere. He told The Pox, “Look I can’t tell you where I am, but I know that the Iraqi boys are doing a great job. I’ve never actually seen them, of course, that would be far too dangerous. But I know that they’re trained, good and ready, and stamping the floor. Many of them actually have rifles or guns or whatever you call them.” According to indpendent accounts, though, the nascent Iraqi army has spent most of its time either torturing prisoners or getting blown up.
© The Washington Pox 2005 |