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POPELESS EARTH FACES FIERY DOOM |
 “Only An Italian Pope Can Save Us Now!” By Innocencia Tromboni Rome, April 16 – When Pope John Paul II died on April 2, the forces of evil hiding in a distant part of the asteroid belt, realized they had a once-in-a-lifetime chance: they would send a killer planetoid hurtling directly at a Popeless earth. According to Italian astronomer Gianfranchi Buppo, "It is now well on its way, and we face a sure and fiery end – unless the Vatican quickly chooses a new Pope, preferably an Italian.” While some on earth doubt that the giant rock will hit the earth, sources close to the Evil Ones have assured us that demonic technology has improved and that a Popeless earth would be lucky to escape with just mass extinctions. In an exclusive interview at his command center in Sector N-14, Lucifer told The Pox that the earth without a Pope was “a soft target. This’ll be like lobbing mortar rounds into unprotected residential neighborhoods. Heh-heh-heh.” Many Catholic faithful vent their fear and rage at the slow-moving Vatican conclave. “For more than two weeks,” said Roman housewife Angelina Longitudi, “we have been without a Pope. Now wonder, then, that the earth is being menaced by a gigantic asteroid. Any fool could have foreseen this calamity, but not the College of Cardinals. All they do is talk, talk, talk.” Secular humanists, though, believe that we have other means of avoiding destruction. “We have advanced technology of our own,” said bus driver Carlo Pestilento, “and we could send a team headed by Bruce Willis to the asteroid and blow it up, as I have seen him do so many times.” Most, however, believe that if the new Pope is not chosen within three days, we will all die. So, this may be the last edition of The Pox. Goodbye, perhaps.
KNUCKLEHEAD |
POPE IS CHOSEN
By Pox Vatican Correspondent Picking a new Pope is a careful and elaborate process that has been developed over the past two millennia. Despite modern reporting techniques at the Vatican, there is still considerable mystery surrounding the final selection. Nevertheless, these are the general steps that the Vatican Pope Search Committee takes:
Advertisements are placed in local newspapers and run on many cable stations throughout the world. In addition, an army of volunteers posts pieces of xeroxed paper with little tear-off tabs on the bottoms in laundromats and health food stores in major cities. All read:
Applicants must be over 21, have a clean police record and a high school diploma and be willing to relocate to Rome. In addition, they should be a ‘people person,’ and able to work overtime. And, they have to be a guy and be a Catholic, preferably straight.
Applications are gathered together by hundreds of retired Italian schoolteachers who eliminate those with spelling and grammatical errors and sort them by quality of handwriting. Applicants who get through this step have to take a written exam, pass a physical and submit to a polygraph test.
The final selection process is done by the College of Cardinals. If they fail to reach a consensus, it goes to the University of Blue Jays. If that results in a tie, the President Pro Tem of the Senate casts the deciding vote.
The selected candidate then picks up his skirt and pointy hat and goes off to Castello Gandolfo for rigorous Pope training.
Armani’s Cardinali Rentals division is in big trouble with the Vatican Commissione de Habdasheri. Armani, which supplies the distinctive red caftans that the College of Cardinals wear on special occasions, undercounted. As a result, two Cardinals – both, as it turns out, from Albania – were forced to wear knock-off gowns, quickly assembled from leftover shower curtain material.
“We are deeply sorry,” said Rentals chief Ezio Buggerini, “that the Albanian Cardinals look silly. But face it, the other guys look pretty ridiculous, too.”
© The Washington Pox 2005
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