 |
“RICH FOLKS DON’T NEED IT, AND POOR FOLKS JUST SPEND IT” |
 President Bush Explains That The Poor Squander Social Security on “Non-Durables, Like Groceries” By Dalwhinnie Macallan ST. RICHE ISLAND, GEORGIA, April 28 – Speaking to a wildly enthusiastic audience of sleek, smug Republicans, President George Bush today renewed his attack on the Social Security system, calling it “a poke in the eye of capitalism.” “I have tried,” he said, “to explain it to the American public, but they just don’t understand that this is money down the drain. Lots of people take their Social Security checks and immediately pay some rent or whatnot, then they rush down to the supermarket, spending money like there’s no tomorrow. Don’t they know that you don’t dip into capital?” Bush said that at every presentation, he shows people the figures. “I tell them,” he said with evident exasperation, “that if you get a check for, say, $1200, and you spend it, it’ll all be gone. Now, I don’t know what it costs poor people to live, but it can’t be more than, what, a few hundred dollars a month. I mean, they don’t have anything, so what can that cost?” “Now you and me,” he told the crowd, “we don’t need $1200 a month. Hell, we can drop that on a good lunch. And as long as we’re in power, you’ll never need Social Security. So, if we don’t need it, and they misuse it, I say let’s dump it.” When questioned by reporters after the speech, Bush told them, “I know I’m right. I got all kinds of economists who’ll back me up.”
UNLESS JAPAN APOLOGIZES
FOR WAR |
Borger Van Dootie, State Department Deputy Undersecretary for Balkan Calamities, told the Senate Judiciary Committee that embattled nominee John R. Bolton tore off Van Dootie’s mustache in a fit of rage. The UN Ambassador designate is known to have a mercurial temper, and his nomination is in jeopardy, but this is the first time that anyone has accused him of a physical attack. According to leaked testimony, Van Dootie stated that Bolton “came into my office one day last week screaming that there was only room for one big mustache in this department, and it was going to be his. He then grabbed my mustache and pulled it off. It still hurts.” Judiciary Committee members refused to comment, but one staffer said off the record, “that mustache was U.S. Government property, and it looks like Bolton is going have a lot to answer for.”
SAYING PAY AND BENEFITS “NOT WHAT THEY PROMISED” 
Pope Benedict XIV abruptly resigned yesterday afternoon after he tore open his first Papal pay envelope. “I’m out,” said the former Pope who told reporters they could now call him “just plain Joe Ratzinger.” Ratzinger said he quit after complaining to both accounting and human resources claiming he was badly short-changed. “They didn’t even say they’d check into it. They just said, essentially, tough luck. I mean, what if you had been promised 200,000 Euros a year plus bennies and you crack open the envelope and find a little under two thousand for two weeks work? They took out for everything, plus there’s compulsory tithing. You can’t live in Rome these days on four K a month.” The former Pope said he tried to work it out, but “we have no grievance procedure, no nothing. The guys lower down have a union, but not me. Uh-uh. I’m management, so I’m supposed to just enjoy the prestige, unquote.” Asked what he would be doing now, Joe Ratzinger said, “I don’t know. A little consulting, some writing. I got a call from a guy in LA who said there’s definitely a made-for-TV movie in this. Right now, I’m headed for Majorca for a few weeks.”
© The Washington Pox 2005 Links To Other Superior Websites |
