 |
SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT BUSH |
 Jesus Appearing On Conan O’Brien’s Late Night To Plug His new Book, The New, New Testament. By Lemma Furrow The iconic figure drew laughs from an enthusiastic and often rapt audience. But then was diverted to a hot topic – his apparent support for George W. Bush. It began when O’Brien asked the popular religious savior, “What’s on your mind lately, big guy? How’re you feeling about your boy, Bush?” “I wasn’t going to get into this,” said Jesus, “but I have to tell you that I’m feeling a bit burned by this guy. He hasn’t lifted his little finger on the gay marriage amendment or anything else Christian that I know of. Then he attacks Social Security. When did Christians tell him to drop Social Security? I didn’t, that’s for sure. My mom and dad – the corporeal ones, not the ethereal ones – if they were alive today would need Social Security. “And that war. Did you ever see anyone run a war worse than this guy?” said Jesus. “I’ve seen some bad ones, but this is an abomination. You’d think his whole purpose was to kill civilians, wouldn’t you? I mean his intentions sounded good, but it’s the effects that count, don’t they?” Christ concluded, “This is the last time, really, that I’m getting involved in politics. I’m out and that’s that. From now on, it’s just hovering over churches and making miracles. That’s my thing.”
BUSH MISTAKENLY TOURS |
PAY $17.65 PER HOUR TO FLY 
CHICAGO, May 15 – Last week, United Airlines demanded that its pilots pay the airline at least $17.65 an hour to fly its planes. “We believe,” said UAL spokesman Purvis Beadle, “that this is a very reasonable offer, especially when you consider that these planes cost us hundreds of thousands to operate and that we lose money on each flight. Less than $20 an hour seems like a bargain to me.” When the ALPA, the pilots’ union, objected, Beadle dismissed those claims. “We’ve already taken away their pensions, their benefits and their salaries,” he said. “they have nothing more to give back, so it’s only fair that they pay part of the burden for our mistakes.” On Friday, a wildcat strike broke out at O’Hare airport, when an angry group of pilots told reporters, “this is our line in the sand. We’ll pay United $12 an hour, but no more. That’s it. We’re tired of being taken advantage of.” But the Chicago Tribune on Saturday attacked the dissident group of pilots for “engaging in class warfare at the expense of consumers.” Said the Tribune editorial, “It’s hard to believe that this formerly well-paid group of labor aristocrats would now deny their troubled employer a decent price – indeed a very decent price – to operate some of the world’s finest airplanes. Worse, passengers, some of whom have paid hundreds of dollars for tickets, are now being inconvenienced.” If the pilots stay out on strike, said Purvis Beadle, United will have no choice but to bring in Swiss or German pilots “who can afford to pay over $30 an hour to work.” That, he said, “is free enterprise at work.”
A BIG HIT WITH STUPID PEOPLE 
Topeka, KS, May 4 – This month the Kansas State Board of Education is holding hearings into the religious theory of Intelligent Design. This theory holds that an all-powerful and really smart supreme being is guiding the development of the world because, as one backer said, “I sure can’t figure it out.” Many scientific groups are simply boycotting the hearings, while others deride the the theory as “creationism in a cheap tuxedo.” But many of the theory’s adherents around the state have pledged to support Intelligent Design regardless of what critics say. “I like Intelligent Design,” said Tricia Stemwinder, a professional dowser from Junction City, “because I sure didn't descend from no monkey.” Mal Krunz (pictured above), who works seasonally as a Wal-Mart greeter in Fort Riley, said he’s taken an unpaid leave to travel the state stumping for Intelligent Design. “Sure,” he said, “I took chemistry and I know a few things, and I know that God has a plan and it’s not stupid. Besides, more than 300 scientists said they think evolution is wrong.” When asked to name some, Krunz said he “forgot.” When asked to name any scientist, he thought a moment and said, “Alfred Einstein. Yeah, and Dr. Phil.”
© The Washington Pox 2005 Submit your e-mail address to be added to The Washington Pox mailing list and receive new issue alert e-mails. Just send an e-mail to The Editor and put Mailing List in the Subject field.
E-Mail the Editor with comments or questions and you might get a reply.
Links To Other Superior Websites
|