News That's Just So Wrong
The Washington Pox - political satire and humor

DC's Most Unbalanced News
♠ Monday, June 13, 2005 ♠ Washington, D.C.♠


BUSH DENIES REPUBLICAN PARTY
IS WHITE CHRISTIAN

 


“I Tell Dean, Man Don’t Be Frontin’,
You Got Me So I Can’t Daven Straight.”

By Aeschylus Cargill, Jr.

WASHINGTON, June 11 -- President Bush today vehemently denied Howard Dean’s comment that the Republicans are a white Christian party. “That dude is so bunk,” he told reporters, “I defy you to find one goy or honkie in any leadership position in the party.”

Bush said he was “ungebluzum” by Dean’s assessment of the party. “Here we are,” he said, “the party of racial justice and of civil rights, a party that never favors those of Christian heritage over others, and this, this schvantz attacks our record. I so mad, I can’t daven straight.”

When one reporter challenged Bush on the makeup of the party, the President replied, “Man, I ain’t perpetratin’. The Jews, the bruthas, they all my peeps.”

Bush said that he was giving Dean “one chance to step down, or it’s smack down.” In the meantime, he said, he was going to his nephew Sheldon’s bar mitzvah. “I’m hangin’ with the mishpoche today, you feel me?”

 

 

MOST AMERICANS
WILLING TO TRADE
CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS FOR
A FEW CHEAP GOODS PLUS GAS


By Melamine Chiclet

ZANESVILLE, OHIO, June 10 – A recent public opinion poll overwhelmingly suggests that most Americans would gladly trade even minimal political rights for “lots and lots of really cheap stuff.”

Researchers from the Chuff-Horkington Fund spent two years interviewing people throughout the country found only two people who favored justice over getting more stuff. “And,” said head canvasser Melody Turnbuckle, “both of them were clearly deranged.”

A Pox reporting team decided to test the poll results by asking mall shoppers in Zanesville, Ohio if they agreed with the findings.

“You know,” telemarketer Janice Swickle of South Zanesville, Ohio told us, “I think I had some amendments to the Constitution when I was in high school, but they didn’t help me at all. I’d much rather have low, low prices if it comes to that.”

The Pox found that these opinions hold true across the socio-economic spectrum. “One lawyer,” said reporter Nick Trickle, “told us he made in the high six figures, but he would gladly trade his constitutional rights ‘for another six figures, maybe less’.”

Reporters also found that many were aware of the immorality of their position. Teacher Sylvia Martinez-Cascaskia of nearby Roseville said, “I know that constitutional rights are very important, but, I’m sorry, I would rather have a 42” flat-panel plasma TV than freedom from unreasonable search and seizure. The chances of their busting in on me are pretty small, and I watch TV every day.”

Over 50 percent, however, would not trade their rights merely for stuff from Best Buy or Circuit City. “The majority of people wanted to make sure they had enough cheap gas to get to the mall and back,” Trickle said, “they were adamant about this.”


On The Media
 
OF 350 AMERICANS
MURDERED LAST WEEK
ONLY TELEGENIC
"PROBABLE" VICTIM
MAKES IT TO PRIME TIME

While approximately 350 Americans were murdered this past week, only one was deemed worthy of front page, prime time, high-volume coverage. That was the young woman missing and "presumed" murdered on the Caribbean island nation of Aruba.

According to CNN assignment editor Chervil Higbee, “We looked at a lot of the other people who got murdered and they just, didn’t, you know, make it. Either they were shabby, or the wrong color or just ugly. We needed a really good looking victim and this Holloway babe was just right.”

When The Pox told CNN that this sounded a bit, well, racist and exploitative, Higbee responded, “Who do you want me to run, some ghetto nobody? Besides, if the goddam Michael Jackson jury had got off the dime and delivered a verdict, this wouldn’t even be an issue. Nobody murdered would have been on the front page."

 

INDIA POISED TO
OVERTAKE U.S.
AS HOME OF WORLD’S
MOST VAPID MEDIA


Although American TV, movies and video games continue to hold a slight edge in the stupidity department, the Indian media industry will overtake the U.S. in sheer vacuity “sometime in 2007,” according to industry analysts.

“It’s not that Indian stuff is so much stupider than American,” said Roger Swineflesch of the Annenberg School of Communications, “but they have us on sheer volume. They turn out oceans of that crap. Bad, bad movies. Insubstantial television. And they’re coming up fast in new media. Look out Hollywood, hello Bollywood.”

Media critic Alice Squint noted, “Both countries are capable of producing good media, and they do. But for most of the industry, it’s a race to the bottom. They just want to see who can create the absolute dumbest, stupidest, most pointless crap in the universe. And right now, my money’s on India.”

 

SURPRISE ENTRY
IN NBA FINALS
ASTOUNDS EXPERTS


DETROIT, June 12 – Basketball fans throughout the world are reeling from developments in the NBA finals. An unknown quintet of men forced their way onto the court here and outshot, outpassed and outbowled both the Pistons and the Spurs to take a 1-0 lead in basketball’s biggest showdown.

Unknown until today, the five, who don’t even have a name and whose uniform is a white shirt, tie and dark dress pants, are the strangest arrival on the basketball scene since Chinese star Yao Ming. The team’s spokesman, Willis Pinpointe, said, “These guys are great bowlers who decided they could beat the best in the NBA. And I think they can.”

Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich told The Pox, “I’m all for giving these guys a shot at the title, but I don’t think it’s fair that they bring bowling balls onto the court and use them on anybody who gets in their way. That’s just not right.”

 

© The Washington Pox 2005

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