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“KILL THREE FOR FREE” LAW |
 Bodies Are Becoming An Unremarkable Sight On Florida Streets And Sidewalks By Pristine Mesentery TALAHASSEE, FL, June 20 – Both houses of the Florida state legislature today passed by wide margins a new law which entitles citizens to kill up to three other citizens without legal penalty. Governor Jeb Bush, who campaigned heavily for the law, plans to sign it immediately. The law was created, according to Assembly Speaker Allan Bense, “in response to widespread citizen dissatisfaction. Thousands of constituents asked, ‘What’s the point of having a concealed weapon law if you can’t shoot nobody?’ and I had to agree.” Governor Bush told reporters that he believes the law is “fair and equitable.” Bush said he urged the legislature to resist “extremists” who want unlimited killing privileges. “I told the legislature,” he said, “that three kills is enough for any law-abiding Floridian.” Opposition to the new “Kill Three for Free” law was limited to South Florida Assemblywoman Doris Feigenbaum who said that “killing is wrong.” She was found shot to death this morning outside her Hollywood condominium. Jupiter resident Armand Pulver took credit for the shooting, saying, “That’s one down.” Most Florida residents said that they thought the new law would have no practical effect. “We’re used to stepping over corpses in the streets, anyway,” said Coral Gables resident Cliff Claven, who retired here in 1988. “It’s just the price we pay for living in paradise.”
SENATOR DURBIN TEARFULLY |
IN GENERAL ALLOWS ONLY FIVE COMMANDMENTS ON PUBLIC PROPERTY 
A deeply divided Supreme Court compromised today on the issue of public display of the biblical commandments. Said Justice David Souter writing for the majority, “The commandments are indeed religious and have no place in government, but they’re also real popular with lots of people, so instead of risking Hell, we decided to split the difference and hope we only wind up in Cobb County, Georgia or someplace like that.” Both religious zealots and godless atheists were disappointed with the decision. “I was kind of hoping for closure,” said atheist Malcolm Spittle of Cape Cod, “like the court saying that god doesn’t exist.” On the other side, Reverend Roxanne Pangolin of Nazarene, Texas said, “Goddam activist judges. Now we got to go to church to pray.”
DROP DEAD, THEN GET BORN AGAIN 
On what he admits is likely his “last crusade,” aging evangelist Reverend Billy Graham told a packed audience in New York’s Shea Stadium to, “Drop dead and be born again.” Graham told the thousands of shocked listeners, “It makes sense, doesn’t it? I mean you can’t be born again if you’re still alive, right? Because then you’re alive in the first place and don’t need to get born twice. If you’re not willing to drop dead, then you might as well stay home and watch reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond because there’s no hope for you.” Exiting spiritual seekers found Graham’s preaching confusing. “I mean, does he really think I’ll kill myself to get born again?” asked Donald Carbone of nearby Middle Village, Queens. “I think the old guy is starting to lose it.” But others were comforted by the fiery sermon. “He’s been right for 50 years,” said Daneeka Swisher of Poughkeepsie, New York, “and he’s probably right now. I was going to get a degree in nursing, but I think I’ll go home and kill myself.”
TAKE ME ALIVE” VOWS KLANSMAN 
After a jury in Philadelphia, Mississippi convicted Klansman Edgar Ray Killen for the 1964 murders of three civil rights activists, the spry 80 year old Klansman bolted from his wheelchair, sped out the door and cried, “You’ll never take me alive!” Killen stole a sidearm from a deputy and managed to hold off dozens of law enforcement officers until he was hit by a lucky shot through the catheter. After he was recaptured, Killen vowed “no jail can hold me. I’ll be out by Labor Day.”
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