Astronaut Crew (Upper Left) Is Despondent
As NASA Shuttle Sits Forlornly On Launch Pad
By Ingrid Maelstrom
HOUSTON, July 28 – National Aeronautic and Space Administration spokesman Milton Armitage announced today that the NSA Space Shuttle Program was grounded until further notice.
“We’ve warned astronauts that attitude is all-important,” he said sternly, “and that we expect them to behave in as young ladies and gentlemen. But after a series of infractions including lateness for practice, tardiness and even smoking, we have no choice but to ground them… indefinitely.”
Astronaut William “Jughead” Messerbratt later called The Pox from his room at Cape Canaveral, where he was confined, to complain about the severity of the sentence. “Wow,” he said, “can you believe this (expletive)? I mean, the Russian cosmonauts get to stay out as long as they want and even drink vodka, but here, if you’re 10 minutes late, it’s pasting the foam back on the shuttle or mowing the lawn. I hate it.”
And Astronette Melissa Ponce called from the Girls Astrodorm to “let off some steam,” as she put it. “Act like little ladies? I’m 32 years old. Who do they think they are? I told old Armitage to stop bossing me around and this is what I get, locked down for a month and the Shuttle is just sitting there…uh-oh, I hear the dorm mother coming. I’ll call you back later.”
“Sarge” Mandrill Photographed Telling Off
Astronette Melissa Ponce in Well-Publicized Incident
Ponce had been the subject of headlines six months ago when she was publicly upbraided by Shuttle Ground Commander Theodore “Sarge” Mandrill for leaving the Shuttle hatch open after takeoff. The scene (above) made headlines in tabloids around the world.
Most observers feel that the indefinite grounding will be lifted sooner rather than later. Said National Enquirer Space Correspondent Trudy Van Allen-Belt, “They just want to throw a little scare into them. They’re basically good boys and girls, but they do act up a bit now and then.”
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UNFORTUNATE EVENTS
UNION STARS
LEAVE AFL-CIO TO
“TAKE SOME TIME OFF,
KICK BACK…MAYBE
CUT OUR OWN CD”
CHICAGO, July 25 –- Saying they were “just tired after touring for 50 years,” three mainstay members of the fabulous AFL-CIO supergroup decided to pull out and “just kick back for a while,” according to spokeswoman and keyboard player Anna Burger.
Bass player and songwriter Andy Stern told reporters that “you know, it just gets to be a drag, trashing one hotel room after another, especially when you’re 54 years old. It’s time to, you know, get back to the land or whatever, maybe grow some hemp or something.”
And perennial crowd favorite, drummer Jim Hoffa said, “I got a lot of creativity welling up inside me. Maybe I want to write a book...or get into kabbalah or something.”
Representing the trio, super-agent Jay Lovestone told fans not to “get too bummed out. Because I think a new CD is in the works, maybe within the year.”
SUPREME COURT NOMINEE
PROMISES TO FIGHT FOR
ROUNDFACED, SMUG WHITES
WASHINGTON, July 30 – Supreme Court nominee Judge John Roberts told an audience today that if confirmed to the bench he would pay particular attention to the rights of roundfaced white males. “I believe that if there is one group that has been discriminated against,” he said in his peculiar Harvard accent, “it is the well-off and smug, especially if they have nice round faces.”
Speaking before the Interfaith Conference of Right-wing Catholics and Christians, Roberts reiterated his pledged to President Bush to “comfort the comfortable and inflict incredible pain on those without means or who espouse alien doctrines.”
Roberts told reporters later that he had great sympathy for those poor who lack money and round heads, but that he had learned that if he doesn’t put the concerns of business and the rich first, then he would “burn in Hell. And no one wants to do that.”
© The Washington Pox 2005
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