John Bolton’s Handiwork Was Immediately
Evident Shortly After He Took Office
By Carnavan Spittle
NEW YORK, August 13 – U.N. Ambassador John Bolton arrived in New York one day after the President’s recess appointment and immediately began what he called “the overdue reforms to bring the U.N. into the 21st century.”
Within hours, Bolton had set fire to the top 10 floors of the Secretariat Building and then barricaded himself in his office and announced that he was “heavily armed and ready to die.”
Secretary-General Kofi Annan said that the speed in which Bolton took action was remarkable, but that he had been expecting something like this. “After all, he had said publicly that we should cut off the top 10 floors,” said Annan, “I’m just thankful he didn’t say the bottom 10 floors.”
U.N. observers said that security should have been more alert. “When Bolton arrived,” said Lucretia Flimsy of the BBC, “he was shouting ‘now let’s see who has WMDs.’ And the fact that he drove up in a Humvee and was lugging ammunition boxes into his office probably should have made people suspicious.”
When told of Bolton’s actions, President Bush said that he had full faith in Bolton, that he had been unfairly portrayed in the media and that everyone should “just give him some time to settle into his job.”
HUNDREDS MISTAKENLY HEAD
FOR BUSH RANCH TO
“MEET CINDY CRAWFORD”
Cindy Crawford, Left
Cindy Sheehan In Crawford, Right
By Perry Stalsis
CRAWFORD, TEXAS, August 12 – Carloads of fans descended on the approach road to President Bush’s ranch here hoping to catch a glimpse of model-actress Cindy Crawford. But all had their hopes dashed when they discovered that the beautiful but lightly-talented celebrity was more than a thousand miles away in Los Angeles, preparing for an appearance on The Blockbuster Awards 2005.
What the hordes of celebrity-seekers did find was anti-war protestor and Gold Star Mother, Cindy Sheehan speaking earnestly to news crews and to hundreds of supporters. Each arrival found that Cindy Sheehan in Crawford did not equal Cindy Crawford. And Sheehan clearly did not fill the crowd’s need for gorgeous vapidity.
“OK,” said Hector Castillo, who drove all day from San Marcos, Texas, “I made a mistake. But that’s no reason to take advantage of me by passing off this ordinary-looking, middle-aged woman as somebody I should pay attention to. I mean why’s she here anyway? When did she ever do a Pepsi commercial?”
And 17 year old Kiandra Childress of Meridian, Mississippi told The Pox that somebody should compensate her for the trouble she went to, and will be in. “I took my dad’s car without permission,” she said in tears, “and he’ll take away my Visa for that, I just know it. It would have been worth it if I could have seen Cindy Crawford by the side of the road like they said. And this old lady’s talking about the war? What war? I didn’t see any war. Somebody should pay for my gas because this is false advertising.”
In the meantime, President Bush reportedly wandered down the road when he heard that Cindy Crawford was performing. Bush told a reporter that he had seen all her movies. “I thought she was great as a bystander in 54,” he said, “but she was outstanding in We Married Margo.”
Bush declined to meet with Cindy Sheehan.
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UNFORTUNATE EVENTS
BUSH FAVORS
INTELLIGENT DESIGN
BECAUSE IT’S
“MUCH INTELLIGENTER”
WASHINGTON, August 1 – Before decamping to his Texas ranch for his annual one-month round of Saudi-hosting and bicycle accidents, President Bush waded into the debate over so-called Intelligent Design.
The President admitted he knew little about design of any kind, but he preferred Intelligent Design over what he called stupid design. “I know this has to do with drawing a line between certain apes and the right kind of Christians,” he said, “and I’m all for it. The stupid design folks think that it’s OK to teach kids we came from The Big Bang or Charles Darwin or whatever, but I think that’s just wrong. According to most Christians the world popped out in 4006 BC and it’s right there in the Bible.”
When one reporter asked the President where he thought all the dinosaur fossils came from, he shot back, “That’s easy. Jurassic Park.”
The President was probed over his views of how the universe came into being. “Well,” he said, “you have to understand that this happened before I was born, but I think it leaked out of Noah’s Ark or something.”
CDC NAMES FUDD
TO HEAD OFF
AVIAN FLU PANDEMIC
ATLANTA, August 8 – The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced today that the country is two weeks into an intense effort to “eradicate avian flu before it starts by shooting all the avians,” said CDC director Julie Gerberding.
Dr. Gerberding said that she had relied on the research of famed duck hunter, Elmer Fudd, to come to her drastic conclusion. “As a result,” she said, “I have appointed Mr. Fudd to terminate all ducks, especially the ones he designated as ‘cwazy’.”
While Fudd is perhaps better known as a “wabbit” hunter, he has considerable experience pursuing at least one duck, Daffy. When contacted, Mr. Fudd told a reporter to “be vewy, vewy quiet. I have him in my cwoss-hairs.”
© The Washington Pox 2005
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